-You finally have enough time to justify watching every single travel documentary on Netflix.
So many places, and you can go to none of them. Why wait? Well, because there’s another eleventy zillion productions of ‘Hot, Dusty and Almost as Isolated As You, Right Now, At Home’ to fantasise about not going to, and you’re going to watch all of them until you’re convinced you’re there. The only thing interrupting this fantasy is the doorbell. Don’t worry – it’s only the Amazon man, dropping off a parasol and a large floppy hat. He looks extremely confused, but then he’s never fake been to Honolulu.
-There will be sex on tap.
Well, once the imaginary Lonely Planet fantasy wears off, what else is there to do? And David Attenborough’s voice is rumoured to be a powerful acquired aphrodisiac (see above). If you’re single, google ‘lovehoney’ or just reach for the nearest girthy broom handle. It lasts longer.
-You can get back to dicking Facebook’s servers beyond mercy with endless pictures of Some DIY Bread.
Yes, you made it, and we didn’t. Well done. Now you can get back to loss adjustment in your £25,000 remote office and dream that you’re a £9.70/hour baker. This is a perfect example of lockdown driving people to insanity. And it also reminds us what we learned in 2008: people who work in finance are weird as drunk geese.
-It’s cold out there. Inside, it isn’t.
You are officially banned from encountering ice, rain and general misery without express government permission.
Dictatorships have been a lot worse.
-You’re actually getting good at this.
To have one lockdown is unfortunate. To have a second is just careless. By the third, you’re a whizz with all this communication gadgetry. Even if you’re a boomer, you’ve reluctantly accepted that the internet is no longer a passing fad. Your command of the ‘Turn off Video’ and ‘Mute’ buttons mean you don’t even treat co-Zoomers to 4K clips of yourself, on the bog, mid-First Quarter Sales Projections. Which look bad enough without you literally illustrating the term ‘An extremely shitty start’.