Tech jargon isn’t necessarily bad. It can make complicated concepts easier and quicker to communicate. For example, who wants to talk about digitally compressing the contents of an enormous file when they can simply send you a zip?
But with great bullshit vocabulary comes great responsibility. Abuse of tech terms is fine until people are caught out. If they’re lucky, this will be via an expert who has the honesty to tell them that they clearly don’t know what they’re talking about. But if they’re unlucky, it’s via a beady-eyed salesman. So if you value your cash, your privacy or your dignity, you might want to take note of the horrors below.
#1: Megabit broadband
The fast-talking salesman has his foot in the door. He asks you what your broadband speed is. “Not sure…about one meg per second”, you reply, with a rather obvious blush as you recall the 40MB clip you nabbed from Pornhub last night. Mister Smooth-Talker reckons he can get you eight times that speed, so you check the claim with an independent regulator. Wow, it really is reaching eight meg per second. You sign up and the line is quickly installed…
…and it’s just as slow as before. What gives?
Here’s the problem: Broadband is usually measured in megabits. You were sold an 8 megabit connection. Unfortunately, a ‘bit’ is only one eighth of a ‘byte’, and when you said you had a “one meg connection”, the salesman conveniently assumed you meant bits, not bytes.
Bottom line: Always check the megabyte speed of any new connection. Your files are measured in bytes, and you shouldn’t give a toss about anything else.
#2: Virus
We all understand one obvious thing about computer malware: it’s down to viruses. Viruses spread from computer to computer, usually owing to a user clicking on an email attachment. They can also slow down your machine as they hijack the computer’s power for replication. Sometimes they can hide undetected for years, before taking control of your PC and opening popup windows, logging your keystrokes and stealing your bank details. Oooh ‘eck. But good antivirus software should fix the problem. Sorted!
Here’s the problem: Saying that all malware is down to viruses is like saying that all food is down to Dunkin’ Donuts. The last major cyberattack involving viruses was over six years ago. Today, hackers usually use more sophisticated methods of causing trouble. So-called ‘worms’, for example, do not need to hide inside a larger file (a ‘host’) to infect in order to replicate themselves. Other well-known attacks involve programs that sit quietly on your PC for a while. These are called ‘trojans’ and usually can’t replicate or transmit themselves without tricking the user into helping them. Meanwhile, the monitoring of keystrokes and and financial details are usually performed by spyware (which can include trojans). Such software may not be programmed to replicate at all.
Why should you care? Because against non-viral malware threats, the best ‘anti-virus’ protection in the world is going to be about as useful as a lettuce leaf.
Bottom line? Forget viruses. Expect 100% anti-malware protection and do not accept anything else.
#3: Hacking
None of your staff can access the network drives. Your customer’s private details are on there, as well as sensitive financial info. It’s obvious: you’ve been hacked. Maybe the data has all been sold onto other thieves? The lawsuits will come flooding in.
But in between wringing your hands and crying into a mug marked “THE BOSS”, you have time to register that this shouldn’t have happened. You put in all the right anti-malware and security countermeasures…so what went wrong?
Here’s the problem: What’s happened here is similar to a Glastonbury crowd blocking your way to an ATM. Sure, you’ll be waiting a while to take out a couple of tenners, but it’s not like anyone is likely to steal your cash. Your network has been attacked by a Distributed Denial of Service, which involves several computers making gazillions of requests to access your online services (such as a company website), with the aim of stopping anyone else from being able to use them for a while. Very inconvenient, but unlike hacking, it doesn’t involve breaking in, so your data is likely to be perfectly safe. Admittedly, some DDOS attacks have been pretty serious. But imagine if, rather than just stopping you from accessing websites, the perpetrators stole your security details. The words ‘big difference’ don’t quite cut it.
Bottom line: Keep calm and carry on.
#4: Hi-Def
We all think we know this one, right? Hi-Def stands for High Definition, and High Definition means a picture that looks like a Vaguely Good Thing. So let’s put ourselves inside the head of someone looking to upgrade. “Hmm, this model is very large and thinly. This will surely fix my Career and Marriage problems. But does it sez Hi-Def on it? Yes-despite the poor grammerz of my thought process, I can just about reads. Aha-I sees other, expensiver brands, but I be no fool. I just need the Hi Defs, for marriage fixage. (Also, it must be a brand of Good Reputations, and I knows a genuine Tosheila when I sees one.)
But when I goes home, I very disappointing and sads. This telly is bigly and impressings all the ladeez (I sures), but when I switching it ons, all the little dots are big-sized! The Walking Dead looks like The Walking Tetris! Also, Dear Wife left house with my car and all the furniture. She say she off to tennis. That is three weeks agos.”
Here’s the problem: Saying that a TV is Hi-Def doesn’t really tell you much. It’s a bit like saying that your car’s speed is in miles per hour. The problem is that Hi-Def can refer to one of several different screen resolutions. The lowest standard is termed 720p, which is equivalent to a bit less than a million dots. That’s not too bad, but it would look rather blocky on the billboard-sized flatscreens of today. If, like our hero above, you’re replacing a 22-inch telly with a 60-inch monster, you will need about 9 times the resolution to get a similarly detailed picture. Let’s assume the old TV is ‘WVGA’, which uses about 400,000 pixels. Your 60 inch TV needs nine times that figure, which is about 3.5 million-roughly equivalent to 1440p, the highest standard of HD.
Bottom line: Check what type of Hi-Def you’re getting before you hand over your cash. And whatever the outcome, don’t tell the wife.
#5: PC
Oh, come on. We all know that a PC runs Windows and a Mac runs Apple; the only debate is over which one is better. If you’re a PC person, Mac-heads are pathetic, rich parent-spongers who wish they were Swedish interior designers. If you’re a Mac-head, PC guys are dull business suits with no money and even less time for fun, unless it involves a game of Minesweeper. Clearly, the models are for different people and serve different purposes.
Here’s the confusion: PC stands for Personal Computer. As of early 2017, most PCs run Windows operating systems. For most people, that much is so clear that it graduated from the college of Blatant Reality before defeating Captain Obvious in a Bog Standard Showdown by knocking him out with a copy of Mundane Fact Of Life Weekly.
But hang on a second. What does the term ‘Personal Computer’ have to do with Microsoft or Windows?
Well, I’ll tell you for $500. Nothing.
The term ‘Personal Computer’ was conceived in an era when any computer designed for serious purposes tended to fill a small room. It was used by advertisers to say, “Fun computing: now available in a human-friendly size!”
Back then, personal computers ran all kinds of operating systems. It just so happened that Windows came to dominate the market. But even when desktop computers were the norm, telling people you didn’t have a Mac “because you preferred the PC operating system” was like saying that your preferred choice of meal was food.
Today, it’s even worse. In a world where laptops, tablets, smartphones and even smartwatches are all running Windows, it could easily be argued that the term ‘PC’ is obsolete, save for law enforcers and non-gender-specific terms of address.
Bottom line: PC = type of computer. Mac = brand of computers which can include PCs.
That’s just a few off the top of my head.
But tech is a massive field, and I find it hard to believe that there aren’t more word abuses out there. Share your own nightmares and other thoughts below, and don’t forget to like and share this article if you enjoyed it.
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