It’s hard to imagine just how devastating the Ten Plagues mentioned in the Biblical book of Exodus really were. Pestilence isn’t the shocker it once was, as we no longer directly depend on farming for our economy. Meanwhile electric lighting has reduced the threat of darkness from devastating to mildly depressing. But if we update things a bit, we get a pretty clear picture of why you don’t mess with God.
Plague #1: Blood Baked beans
The British may be pretty keen on the things, but the rest of the world isn’t. So let’s see how they deal with allegedly-tomato-flavoured goop pouring from every tap and cloud. Anyone surviving the onslaught will be treated to the flatulent consequences of those who had to eat their way out of the torrential downpour. Who are then smote down for eating contraband food during Passover.
Plague #2: Frogs French People
Using His divine influence to fix elections, Hashem ensures Marine Le Pen rises to power. The French deal with this situation in the usual manner and run away. Europe is overwhelmed by strikes and general laziness in mere days. But not before the awesome skill of French chefs convinces most non-French restaurant owners to shut up shop before the chefs, too, are overcome by apathy and perish. Starvation nearly ensues, but Hashem is merciful enough to deny the miscreants a plague of Osem Apple Cinnamon Cake and permits the consumption of frog’s legs on Tuesday lunchtimes.
Plague #3: Lice Drones
Big ones. Little ones. Pervy ones. They’re all noisy, menacing and Hashem’s arranged it so that they’re all flown by morons who don’t know what they’re doing. And they’re swarming towards you as you desperately stagger to the Baked Bean Decontamination Facility, doing your best to avoid wayward French-speakers.
Plague #4: Wild Beasts Really, really randy pets
Your pet has been de-neutered, grows to three times its usual size and is now permanently on heat. Cat, dog, snake, lion, bear, doesn’t matter. Try explaining that to guests while Rover, an Alsatian who is now ten feet long, relentlessly humps Aunt Sheila’s leg for a few hours. Oh, and he’s brought his friends.
Plague #5: Diseased Livestock Dial-up internet porn
Let’s see who messes with the Israelites once every gentile-owned tablet and smartphone gets stuck on a particularly grainy live-view of Position Number Forty-Seven. Not only will the men cry out in sexual frustration, but their wives won’t be able to call their friends to moan about how this is destroying society. That’s because the internet and the phone are sat on the same frikkin’ line, just like the good old days. Hashem’s message is clear: Fuck with His people and you’ll be forced to appreciate how hard Biblical times were for perverts.
Plague #6: Boils Hipsters
Formerly bound within containment facilities like Shoreditch and Brooklyn, Hashem has unleashed His most irritating creation on the world to date. Threatened by a race defined only by their hatred of definition, the authorities’ attempts to identify members of the group prove futile. In desperation, they arrest anyone under 35 who either wears Buddy Holly glasses or just loves sustainability a little too much. By which time, the real ‘neo-meta-non-mainstreamers’ will have mutated into something even sicklier and turned every Costa and Starbucks into a purveyor of homeopathic turnip juice.
Plague #7: Hail Very Predictable Weather Patterns
“The weather can be quite unpredictable at this time of year” is a phrase commonly heard in the UK, especially during the Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter months. But with the seasons suddenly restricted to their prescribed climates, people are forced to stop speculating that “it might rain tomorrow”. With its mainstay of social interaction gone, British society politely implodes. Journalists throughout the rest of the Western World now struggle to convince their brethren that the absence of civilisation-threatening natural disasters somehow destroyed British civilisation.
Plague #8: Locusts Drones. Again.
Not the little ones with cameras. Real military drones, hell-bent on killing you. The best bit is that Hashem’s put a twelve year old behind the controls and told him it’s a videogame with totally realistic graphics where you get double points for killing hipsters. Apparently that’s the only way to purge the world of Plague #6.
Plague #9: Darkness X-ray vision.
No catches. Everyone gets true-to description, see-through-everything abilities. Seems more like a superpower than a plague, right? Yes…if you’re chasing down elusive criminals. But when nearby solid surfaces and edges become invisible, you quickly discover you’ve also acquired an unwelcome second trait: the ability to unflinchingly walk into invisible walls. But hey, you can spy on other people, right? Correct…and they can do the same to you. And in a world where driving, breakfast and using the toilet just got more complicated, they’ve got little incentive to do much else.
Plague #10: Death De-development of the firstborn
All firstborns quickly degenerate back to foetal status in a matter of weeks, regardless of whether they’re three or thirty. All those years of kicking the front seat of the pram have finally come to a head, and the big brother who gave fear-inducing misguidance to his little sister on what school is really like is forced to nervously approach her for professional advice on how to walk, eat and breathe. And it’s no fun for the newly established elder kids either, because they can look forward to a lifetime of endless nappy changing and senior baby vomit. Choked on its own seed and now facing lawsuits from Benjamin Button, the Israelite-oppressing world is finally forced to Let His People Go.