Health Warning: If you’re a flat earther, and there are many of you, you are not going to like what you see here.
Ever wanted to believe something despite all evidence to the contrary?
If, like me, you tell yourself that the diet coke in your happy meal makes you a healthy eater, the answer is probably yes. The good news is that this isn’t your fault; it’s embedded in human nature. “Flat earther” has long been synonymous with this condition-what might surprise you is that the term does not refer to an old, archaic cult. It’s very much alive.
Yep-they’re serious. And their arguments are interesting, in the “Surely an intelligent person like you understands that gravity doesn’t actually exist?” sense. Yep, that’s one of their actual beliefs.
But surely anyone with the IQ of a burnt Frito knows this is bonkers.
I agree. If only the site were a fictional creation, or a Terry Pratchett Discworld spinoff, there would be no problem. But these guys are for real, and any of the usual demonstrations of a clearly round earth don’t phase them at all.
Generally speaking, flat/round Earth proof claims fall into one of two categories.
Pictures of the Earth from the moon, or from orbit.
The observations/calculations of an observer on the ground.
Whether you’re a flat earther or not, dealing with the first one’s pretty straight forward. The round earther states that pictures of the Earth from space clearly show the Earth is round. The flat earther responds that space exploration is all faked, and so-called ‘astronauts’ are either in on the conspiracy or duped. Neeeext.
‘Tis no robot arm in front of the spaceship. ‘Tis a snagged mic boom. Lies. All lies.
Which leads us to 2, which generally covers claims that you can see Earth’s curvature from very high points, or that travelling in a set direction for a long time will bring you back to where you started. Here, flat earthers dither. The “illusion” of Earth’s curvature is entirely down to the bending of light as it passes through the atmosphere.
Y’know, science.
And travelling in a set direction is an illusion, they say. You’re actually going round in a flat circle.
Science again.
At this point, I want to flag a few things about the flat earth society, the website which helped me laugh at learn about flat earth theory.
It’s actually a pretty slick site.
Ok, the front page looks a bit turd, but it’s otherwise fairly professionally done. If you were at all uninitiated on whether or not you live on a giant pancake, you could be easily taken in by just how readily available and well presented the material is. Well done, flatties.
It has science and stuff.
A lot of buzzwords are floating around.
Gravity, for example. (Apparently it’s unproven. Go figure.) Euclidean geometry. (Basically 2D maps.) Topological analysis. (The study of surfaces.) Crumpzoidal pottyrays. (Ok, I made that one up. But you get the idea.)
The point here is that it’s easy to be taken in by tech jargon. Ever spoken to a phone salesman? They may throw their Wifis, 4Gs, WCDMAs and GSMs at you, but stop for a second to punch them in the face ask them how all this benefits you.
It’s likely that they will have no clue.
A similar principle underpins most flat earth theory. The technical terms are everywhere, but try asking the question “How does this actually prove that the Earth is flat?”.
Boy, they don’t like that. But read on.
There’s actually some half-truths in there.
If we really do live in a post-truth world (flat or not) ridden with alternative facts, maybe flat-earthers were our proud inspiration. The experts do talk some (Like, put-forefinger-and-thumb-very-close-together-kind-of-some) sense, and woe betide if you challenge these particular theorists. Within their select field, they’re usually correct about very specific things.
Take the theory of light bending in the atmosphere. If you were awake in third grade, you probably know this is true. It’s the reason our sky is blue (in case you were wondering). That’s the half-truth. The other half of the story is that in no blindin’ way could the sky cause so much apparent curvature without the horizon appearing dramatically different in a red sunset. The latter is almost never discussed in Flat Earther literature, because it’s bloody inconvenient. I mean, it remains a mystery.
They laugh at gravity, too. Whilst this in itself may not sound too informed, some choose to argue that density itself is the reason that things fall. Rocks are heavier than air, and Jennifer Aniston is heavier than rock. Others claim the flat earth disc is accelerating upwards. Both of these seem moderately credible until you realise that a tiny steel marble doesn’t sink through paper, and the acceleration model leaves our ocean tides as something of a mystery.
So much rock, you could float. Apparently.
I can go on. And on.
They promote themselves as free thinkers.
Not much to say here. Basically, if you don’t agree with them, you’re either a victim of the round earth conspiracy or actually working its strings. You bastard, you.
But anyway, for your amusement personal development, I thought it would be good for us to try to see the world from a flat earther’s perspective. It’s not going to be easy, and the concentration you will need will be immense. You will hate me for most of the process. But heck, anything for a tonne of mindfuckupery.
You are now a flat earther.
You are now definitely a flat earther.
Every proof, mathematical or otherwise, of Earth’s curves is as real as Kate Moss’s tits.
You live on a gigantic flat disc.
It has a 150m high ice wall on its edge.
Space exploration is a massive con designed to exploit us in some way.
Gravity doesn’t pull large objects and obesity victims into round lumps. It crafts them into a disk.
No engineer or architect in history has ever made an allowance for the Earth’s curvature, and if they did, massive structures would simply fall over.
Now you must choose your sect.
Do stars actually exist? (Flat earthers seem to be OK with that, as long as the orbit the North Pole) Or are they little lights attached to the inside of a massive dome covering Earth?
All reasonable people (read: nutters) agree that the dark spot on the sun is clearly not the Earth’s shadow. But is the spot too large, too small or the wrong shape?
Are aircraft pilots in on the conspiracy or not?
Is all this ’round earth’ baloney a test of our faith in Jesus? Or the Bumblebee man?
Lots to think about there. I’ll give you a minute.
Head hurts? Well, accepting that two and two equals three, seven and eighty-one all at the same time takes practice. But that’s a rough summary of how they actually think. And it’s the thought process, rather than the content, that should make us take note. Next time you’re drawn in by a wacky idea, have a look for the flat-earther hallmarks.
Slick website site/professional frontage. I’m talking too-good-to-be-true car insurance deals, smooth-tongued suited salesmen and the Russia Today website. Question what you see.
Science and stuff. Expensive herbal medicine? Heck, there’s something here about antioxidants, so it must be good, right?
Half truths. Like fluoride causing poisoning. Correct-but only if you’re willing to drink a tube of toothpaste.
If you agree with them, you’re a free thinker. Scientology, suicide cults, Apple fanboys (kidding)…I could go on. Give your entire mind over to these people and agree with everything they say, and you’ll be a true free-thinker.
We should ask ourselves, if flat-earthers still exist, how often are we accepting things despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary? And for how long will we continue to do so?
Old habits fall flat, as someone never said.
Only the most natural, gentle, revitalising, um, venom.
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