Today, the familiar sight of the undead shoving a fist through an old tomb is taken for granted by anyone with an edible brain. But the origins of the movement are rather more humble, as historian Rev Coptic explains.
“Two thousand years ago, graveyards were more secure. One tribe even tried putting dead people in a giant pointy lump of stone. At any rate, no one thought the undead thing was cool back then.”
“And then, all of a sudden, we have this chap who says, “I can make this amazing.” And people laughed at him, shoved him on a cross and said, “Try it.” And fair enough, he hadn’t quite got the idea-three days later, it was just him strolling around, shouting, “BOO! I’M BAAAACK!” at people in broad daylight. But you have to remember that back then, merely mentioning the word “Virgin” tended to give people a heart attack, so this was quite something.”
The fad has grown quickly in recent years, and there are fears that the situation may be getting out of hand. What was once a miraculous event witnessed only by four Gospels is claimed to have become a hysterical horde, relentlessly seeking out human life to convert to their own kind- whether the subjects desire it or not.
Zombie Ian Animate slams this allegation, stating, “Just like our Saviour, we have only ever wanted to make contact with people out of love for their flesh and blood, which I am pretty sure is part of God Himself.”
Asked whether he has ever forced a conversion, he adds, “I always ask for, er, full consent. Also, I can show you the path to enlightenment. Stop running, so I can eat your head.”